Spilling the beans without the mess. I'm the master of obvious one-liners!
I'm not forgetful, I just have a photographic memory with low battery.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right... loudly.
My life is like a romantic comedy, minus the romance and just the comedy.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!
I finally realized that I'm addicted to air. I guess I'm just an airhead.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.
I'm not late, I just wanted to make a fashionable entrance.
Reading my to-do list like it's the most entertaining thing on the planet.
I don't need anger management. I just need people to stop pissing me off.
I speak fluent movie quotes. My life is a cinematic masterpiece!
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
Singing in the shower because life is too short for bad acoustics. Bathroom concert!
I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.
My jokes are like WiFi signals - sometimes strong, sometimes gone in a blink.
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
My bed and I have an unbreakable bond. Separation anxiety at its finest!
Parallel parking is just my way of giving cars a cozy hug. Tight spaces, no problem!
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
I put the 'elusive' in 'elusive goals.' Catch me if you can!
Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
My snacks go straight from the pantry to my heart. The love affair is real!
I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.