In a world full of seriousness, be the comic relief.
Trying to be normal, but I tripped over my own quirkiness.
I'm not lazy, I'm just conserving energy for when I really need it.
I'm not ignoring you, I'm just prioritizing my sanity.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
I'm not addicted to coffee, we're just in a committed relationship.
I'm not awkward, I'm just practicing my dance moves.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Creating memories through laughter and funny moments!
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I'm not always late, but when I am, I make it fashionable.
I'm not indecisive, I'm selective about my choices.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
More giggles, less stress. It's a lifestyle choice.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are still under construction.
I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm not clumsy. Things just have a habit of getting in my way.
I'm not weird, I'm just more fun than people can handle.
I'm not old, I'm just getting more experienced at being young.