Turning ordinary moments into unforgettable comedy sketches.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Too much seriousness can be hazardous to your health.
When life gives you lemons, squirt them in your friend's eyes!
Embracing the absurdity of life with open arms and a big grin.
I'm not awkward, I'm just at the forefront of my own personal brand of cool.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I'm not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
If laughter is the music of life, I'm conducting the symphony.
Laughing until it hurts, just another day with the crew!
Dancing like no one's watching, because they're all busy laughing.
I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
When life gives you funny moments, capture them all!
Spending my days collecting funny stories like they're rare gems.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong.
I'm not lazy, I'm just highly motivated to do nothing.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Collecting belly laughs like they're precious gems.
I'm not short, I'm just more down to earth than most people.
If laughter is the best medicine, consider me healed.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm not clumsy, I'm just on a mission to test gravity.
Studying is for people with no internet connection.
I don’t believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.