If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm not clumsy, I'm just gravity challenged.
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.