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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite

I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Tommy Cooper

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright

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