I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I'm on the whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.