I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
I'm not clumsy, I'm just gravity-challenged.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
I am an early bird and a night owl... so I am wise and I have worms.
I'm not lazy, I'm energy efficient.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I don't need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.