A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in my way.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I am so poor that I can't even pay attention.
I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.