I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I'm not arguing, I'm just telling you why you're wrong.
To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer.
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.
I don’t believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.