I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.
I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.