Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a list.
If at first, you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it!