A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it through not dying.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.